Odie's Songfic Drabbles and Random Snippits
by odiedragon
Summary: A collection of songfic drabbles and other random short-fic, some comedic some more serious. Including Sten/Shale, fourth-wall-smashing crackfic, and Bizarro!Alistair. New Chapter - "Moss Lickers" may be NSFW
1. Mother in the Night

A/N – This series of quick one-offs were written in response to the songfic meme on swooping_is_bad.

Here are the official rules for reference. I bent them, liberally, mostly because I was using the concept as a distraction while working on other things, and I couldn't afford that kind of constant focus. Last time I checked, there was no Meme Police. If you've read my other postings, you'll know that short is HARD for me!

_Meme Rules:  
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.  
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.  
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterwards!  
4. Do ten of these, then post them._

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

_**Mother in the Night**_

_**Song:  
Hard Candy – Counting Crows**_

_Time expands and then contracts  
When you are spinning  
In the grips of someone  
Who is not an ordinary girl _

_  
And when you sleep  
You find your mother in the night  
But she stays just out of sight  
So there isn't any sweetness in the dreaming_

_  
And when you wake the morning covers you with light  
And it makes you feel alright  
But it's just the same hard candy  
You're remembering again  
_

* * *

_He stood before Uldred, his possessed form impossibly large and hideous. Shield and sword seemed to have little effect. After what feels like an eternity of laying harmless blows on his demented husk, the surroundings change. Alistair no longer finds himself at the top of the Circle Tower, but deep underground. He realizes, in that way that things just click into place and make sense in dreams, he's in Ortan Thaig. The abomination still stands before him, but it looks different. Sounds different. Its screams are more high pitched, and it seems to be fighting itself rather than trying to fight him. Then, with a flash of light, the creature is gone. Crumpled on the floor is a dark haired elf clutching an oddly glowing mage's staff. Out of the corners of his vision, several figures seem to awaken from the detritus of bleached bones scattered about the room. His half-brother Cailan approaches the elf… wait. Is that Cailan? He's not sure, but dream faces and names don't always match reality. Dream Cailan helps the woman to her feet. Suddenly, as if he realizes he's being watched, his head snaps up and he looks at Alistair, his eyes searing through him._

The look on Dream Cailan's face shocked him out of the Fade and back into the world of the living.

Morning light shines through the window of their shared chambers. When they had moved into the castle at Amaranthine, Neria had specifically picked these rooms to be theirs. She said it was to ensure that the sunrise would wake them every morning so as not to let any of their days slip away from them. And yet, she still slumbered in the bed next to them, oblivious to her surroundings. Her staff, as always, leaned against the wall next to her side of the bed, within easy reach. Alistair bent down and kissed the tip of her elven ear. "Time to wake up, my love," he whispered.


	2. A Second's Duty

_**A Second's Duty**_

_**Song:  
I Did It – Dave Matthews Band**_

_It's a nickel or a dime for what I've done  
The truth is that I don't really care  
For such a lovely crime I'll do the time  
You better lock me up I'll do it again_

_I did it  
Do you think I've gone too far?  
I did it  
Guilty as charged  
I did it  
It was me right or wrong  
I did it_

* * *

My blade slid almost effortlessly into Trian's chest. The look on his face was amusing to me. _He didn't think I had it in me._ I stabbed my dagger into his chest, just to make sure the deed was done. Electric bolts jumped from the blade as the blade hit home. I spat on his corpse as it slid to the ground.

Gorim was several yards in front of me, finishing off one of Trian's archers. When his grisly work was done, he returned to his place at my side. "Our work here is is done, my lady, may the Stone preserve us."

Not a moment later, Father and Bhelen were there. Thro and the lowborn scout tell their stories, and with that I'm dragged off to prison. _So much for there being a new heir apparent in Orzamaar._

I can bear any sentence the Assembly hands down to me, for it is my stupidity and foolish trust in Bhelen that brought me to this end. When Gorim tells me he's been exiled to the surface for my crimes… my crimes, not his! It is more than I can bear. I promise him I will track down the Grey Wardens in the Deep Roads, and I will seek him out in Denerim once I am free.

But it was too little, done far too late. Too much happened between then and when I met him there that day in the Market Square. If I had known then… that Gorim would move on so easily, believe I was dead so readily… I wonder if I would have stayed my blade that day.

My Second is a human now. He is Gorim's opposite in so many ways and yet at the same time so much like him. I have not cried, not once, throughout this whole affair. Princesses in Orzamaar do not last long if they do not learn how to bury their weaker emotions. Still, against my better instincts, that night at camp it all came pouring out. And my Second was there, no judgment clouding his words or actions. He listened to me, supported me, and got me through another hard day.

As is the duty of any loyal Second.


	3. Future Plotting Crackfic Warning!

_**Future Plotting**_

_**Song:**  
**The Arrogant Worms - **__**The Mountie Song **_

_I wanna enforce the law  
I wanna wear normal clothes  
I don't wanna have to smile_

_For diplomats' home videos  
I good at working real hard__  
I should have joined the coast guard  
Oh no, the RCMP  
Is not the life for me!_

_

* * *

_  
Morrigan looked in the direction of the rustling in the undergrowth. _A horse, here in the back of beyond? If it's that fool Alistair…_ The child within her kicked. "Quiet, child. Trust me, you really don't want to meet him."

From the tree line at the edge of the clearing that surrounded her little shelter in the Frostback Mountains emerged a man on horseback, wearing a bright red uniform and a strange flat brimmed hat. The strangest thing about him was the odd grin he had on his face.

"You!" the witch stammered. "It figures that you would be able to find me." She scowled. "This is entirely your fault, you know. Every last bit of it! Your powers put the Old Gods to shame. _You_ control _them._ Nay, you control _the entire world!_ Now there's the real power…"

"I just wanted to check and make sure you were doing alright, Morrigan. I have some excellent ideas for what you and your child will do in the future, and wanted to discuss them with you."

"As you will. Right now, all I can think to discuss is having less of Maric's foolish by-blow in the next installment."

"I'm afraid I can't do that. He has a lot of fans, you know. The last thing you want is them swooping down on you, trust me on that." The officer dismounted from his horse, and tied it to a nearby tree.

He followed the apostate into her hut, and within they discussed the future of Thedas.

* * *

A/N – The Fourth Wall, You Cannot Has It.

My most sincere apologies to David Gaider for putting him in a Mountie outfit.


	4. Lost

_**Lost**_

_**Song:  
Nickleback – Leader of Men**_

Tell your friends not to think aloud  
Until they swallow  
Whisper things into my brain  
Your voice sounds so hollow

I am not a leader of men  
Since I prefer to follow  
Do you think I could have a drink  
Since it's so hard to swallow  
So hard to swallow

* * *

_Maker's Breath, Alistair. Left foot, left boot._

Boot predicament straightened out, he headed out of his tent to the sputtering remains of the night's campfire. She was there, sitting on a log and pouring over a map. _Thank the Maker she's the one leading us. If I was leading, we'd end up lost in the Frostback Mountains in a couple days flat._

She smiled as he approached. "Morning Alistair." He nodded at her. "If I'm reading this correctly, we should reach Redcliffe sometime late this afternoon. Though, you probably already know that." She grinned up at him. Him. Just Alistair. Alistair the Joker. Alistair the Grey Warden. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Um, yes I suppose so. I, well, I didn't get out much." He tried to swallow, but found his throat strangely constricted. "You're clearly much better with maps than I'll ever be."

He would have to tell her. Eamon would make sure she knew, he knew that for a fact.

He sighed. _It was sure nice while it lasted. Too bad it's so early in the morning. I could sure use something potent to drink._

_

* * *

  
_


	5. Enlightenment

_**Enlightenment**_

_**Song:  
They Might Be Giants – Birdhouse In Your Soul**_

_I'm your only friend  
I'm not your only friend  
But I'm a little glowing friend  
__But really I'm not actually your friend  
But I am_

_

* * *

_  
"I have noticed that the Qunari has never questioned my origins." Shale looked at Sten, the rock protrusion above her white glowing eyes cocked questioningly.

"Where you came from does not change who and what you are, kadan," Sten replied. "What we have been is not nearly so important as who we are now."

"So you do not care that I was once a squishy flesh creature? A dwarf? _Female?_ I had presumed that when Qunari learned that I had once been a woman, he would hold the same disdain for my fighting ability as he does toward the Grey Warden."

"You have transcended what you once were, kadan. In many ways, you have achieved enlightenment in ways that those of us made of flesh can never attain." Sten's typical scowl lessened, which was the closest he ever came to a smile. "It is an honor to fight at your side, if only to bear witness to the deeds you perform. Your presence enlightens us all."

"You honor me, Qunari," Shale replied, much of her typical scorn lacking from the statement. It promptly returned, however. "I only wish my presence would enlighten those foul flying creatures to the fact that there are better places to roost than my head."


	6. Frostbite

_**Frostbite**_

_**Song:  
Cake – Short Skirt, Long Jacket**_

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond  
I want a girl who knows what's best  
I want a girl with shoes that cut  
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

* * *

She reached into the hollow log, fearing what she may find there. For all she knew, it could be the home of some small feisty Blighted creature. Thankfully her fears went unfulfilled. She found a helmet, a couple weapons… and a bundle of cloth which appeared to be robes of some kind. _"Of some kind" indeed, Neria._ She blinked, trying to envision what such robes would look like when worn. _How in the world do the Chasind stay warm?! I know I wouldn't want frostbite… there._

Daveth let out a low whistle behind her. "Clearly I've been looking for women in all the wrong places. I should have come to the Wilds years ago!" Jory scowled at him, snorting. "Savages. I would never let my wife wear something that revealing! Not in a thousand ages."

"I... think we need to keep moving, yes?" Alistair asked his charges as he watched them from the other side of the campfire circle. Neria nodded in agreement, but when all the men had turned away she stuffed the robes in her pack anyway.

A short while later, as she hunted around the old Grey Warden tower for the ancient treaty scrolls, she realized that the Chasind were the _modest_ ones here these Kocari Wilds…


	7. Weakest Link

_**Weakest Link**_

_**Song:  
Gin Blossoms – As Long As It Matters**_

_How can I find something  
That two can take  
Without stumbling as we  
Walk into our future's wake_

_I'm like a broken record  
That you can play  
Repeating as if it matters  
Everything I want to say_

_I'll be all right  
As long as it matters  
As long as you're here with me now  
_

_

* * *

  
Coward. Maker forsaken coward._

_Eamon says I have a duty to the throne. The Grey Wardens told me I gave up my old life and allegiances when I joined them. I promised her that I'd never hurt her._

_How can a mere man hold true to so many conflicting loyalties? So many opposing calls of duty?_

_Where is the weakest link in the chain? Surely, logically, it must be the needs of the few. When compared the needs of the many, the wants of two simple people in this world should not, __**cannot**__, be made to be more important than the thousands who rely on them fulfilling their duty._

_You need to say something to her, Alistair. Talk to her about all this, before it's too late._

_But what if Eamon is wrong? What if there is another way? No. I'm not giving up on this, not giving up on __**her**__, until we know more._

_Coward._


	8. Demons

_**Demons**_

_**Song:  
Radiohead – Nice Dream**_

nice dream  
(if you think that you're strong enough)  
nice dream  
(if you think you belong enough)  
nice dream  
(if you think that you're strong enough)  
nice dream  
(if you think you belong enough)  
nice dream

(Now come home, now come home)  
(Now come home, now come home)

* * *

_She stood in the main assembly hall in the royal palace. The nobles and important personages of Ferelden crowded every available space like a swarm of bees, buzzing about what they were about to witness. They cheer as the Revered Mother puts a nimble crown on her head._

_As she mingles with the crowd afterwards, the light in the hall starts to fade. With it, the smiling faces start disappearing, replaced by angry ones which shout at her and quickly devolve into an angry mob. She even starts seeing her own people mixed in the faces, bellowing their condemnation over her choosing to bond with a shemlin. She tries to run but they catch her, tearing at her clothes until they turn to rags. Her plea to her king goes unanswered, for the mob surrounds him as well. They tear off his golden armor as they punch and kick him to the floor. Their combined might is just too much, too overpowering, too impossible to overcome._

She wakes with a start and cries out, and she realizes she is crying. Next to her, Zevran wakes and puts her arm around her.

"Bad dreams again, my dear?"

She nodded, wiping her eyes.

"The archdemon is dead. He can hurt you no longer. Come…" he said, pulling her closer and drifting back to sleep.

"Of course you're right," she agreed, kissing his brow.

_My other demons, however, cannot be killed so easily._


	9. Waiting

_**Waiting**_

_**Song:  
Dave Matthews Band – Say Goodbye**_

_Float away here with me  
An evening just wait and see  
But tomorrow go back to your man  
I'm back to my world__  
And we're back to being friends_

_Wait and see me,_  
_Tonight let's do this thing  
All we are is wasting hours  
Until the sun comes, it's all ours  
On our way here  
Tomorrow go back to being friends_

* * *

_  
The lilting flutes of the minstrels are pretty, but they have nothing on her._

It is an impossibly easy thing to sneak into her chambers. He should speak to her about that before… but better to think about that later.

She arrives later than he anticipated. Her obligations as First Chancellor must have kept her at the royal anniversary feast longer than he anticipated. There were always so many flatterers and courtiers for her to keep amused.

She gasps as she spots him, sitting in her overstuffed reading chair. "Zevran! How, what, why… is there where you've been all evening?"

"So full of questions, as always…and a king's share of ale as well, from the sound of it… but come my dear. I have a proposition for you."

She listens.

She considers.

She agrees.

Afterward, he sat on the side of the bed as he buttoned up his shirt. "My ship leaves at first tide. I cannot bear to stay here any longer, watching you pine away after him."

"Don't go, Zev. Please. You're right, there's no reason for me to be faithful to him… our entire relationship, such as it is, is the very definition of unfaithfulness."

"So, you will not release me from my oath to you?"

She scoffed. "I did that years ago. You've stayed here all this time by your own free will. You know this. But I would be willing to consider… keeping you close. If you will have me."

"Your body may be willing, but your heart is incapable of such infidelity. We both know this."

She sighed, fighting back tears. "Go, then. Just know I'll miss you. Terribly."

He bent over to kiss her one last time. "Sharing this night with you… I will treasure it, always. Maybe, someday, you will see things more clearly… and when you do, I will be in Antiva City, waiting for you with open arms."

He left as quietly as he had arrived.


	10. Karate Cowboy Crackfic The Second

A/N: **Crackfic Alert!!**

For those who are unaware, the two main members of DVDA are Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame, so PLEASE keep that in mind when reading this. Put your satire pants on first, okay?

DO NOT Google the band name. Trust me on this one. Especially if you're at work.

This site won't let me link to the David Gaider post that inspired this... but lets just say that it had to do with John Wayne and Chuck Norris in tears. ;)

* * *

_**  
Karate Cowboy**_

_**Song:  
DVDA – Now You're a Man**_

What makes a man?  
Is it the power in his hands?  
Is it his quest for glory?  
Give it all you've got to fight to the top  
So they can know your story…

What makes a man?  
It is the woman in his arms  
Just 'cause she has big titties?  
Or is it the way he fights everyday?  
No, it's probably the titties…

* * *

With a resounding thud, Alistair dropped an impossibly large pile of firewood next to the campfire. He had just spent the last hour splitting the wood, taken from an abandoned woodcutter's log cabin that he had torn down earlier with his bare hands. He threw some of the wood haphazardly into a pile, and looked at the mage sitting on the ground next to him.

"Light the fire. I would do it myself, but it seems a waste of our lyrium."

Neria had seen him light those bandits in Lothering on fire, just by glaring at them. The blue beams of light that shot from his eyes had frightened her more than a little, even if it had been an effective way of dealing with the threat. She cast her spell, and the logs were soon ablaze.

"Witch!" he bellowed across the camp. Not for the first time did Neria wonder if she wouldn't be better off sitting at Morrigan's private campfire. "When dinner is ready, you will come find me in my tent." He turned back to Neria. "Come with me. What's dinner without a bit of a show beforehand?" He smiled, a wicked, filthy thing. She had never seen its like, not even on the face of that old lecherous templar at the Tower. The one with a reputation for cornering young female mages alone in dark corners. She did not move.

"Into my tent, woman. Now!" Alistair reached down and grabbed her, and carried her over his shoulder across the camp. "When we get to Redcliffe in the morning, you will be silent and let me deal with the arl. You are here to kill Darkspawn by day and warm my bed at night, do you understand?" She was starting to understand why the Revered Mother had let him go from the Chantry. His abilities and powers were more than even the Maker himself could feasibly control.

She wondered why she was the lucky target of his "affections" and not Morrigan. _Probably because she's just as power-hungry as he is. They'd end up killing one another in the process._

She would pack her things as soon as she was able, and sneak off in the dark of night._ If he's so bloody powerful, well then as far as I'm concerned he can go stop the sodding Blight all by himself!_


	11. Puppy Love

A/N - Okay, so this isn't a songfic drabble. But I figured it made more sense to post this here rather than making a whole new story for such a short little snippit. :)

For dao_challenge on livejournal, prompt was "Jealousy"

* * *

Once, twice, three times, _fwump._

He sighed as he laid his head down. Things were the same as they had been most nights lately. He could smell the fire, the roasting meat, the dried leaves soaking in the hot water that Mean Old Woman drank. They laughed, they made those bird-like noises at each other, they sharpened their paw-teeth. The Crazy Dwarf belched and drank more firewater. Nimble Feet made bird-noises that sounded more like pack-howling than yapping. The Scarred Elf and the Stone Bitch ignored him.

Glaring through half-open eyes, he made sure to watch Metal Man very, _very_ closely. The scent of mating-lust when he was near Sister-Human was almost enough to make him sneeze. He simply could not understand. Ever since they had started mating, he had been banished from Sister-Woman's hide-den at night. Were they ever going to _stop_? Surely Metal Man's work was done. Sister-Human's pups would be adorable, he was certain of that, but why didn't Metal Man go back to smashing in the heads of the Putrid-Bloods and leave Sister-Human be? His place should be protecting her and her soon-to-be pups, not rutting on her every night. How long did human bitches typically stay in mate-lust, anyway?

Sighing, he closed his eyes for a short while, hoping that Sister-Human would come back to him soon. His ears perked when he heard footsteps approaching. _Sister-Human?_ No. But his nose told him it was the next best thing.

The Giant Who Throws Sticks approached him. And he was _indeed_ carrying a very enticing stick. Bounding to his feet, he barked happily and scampered around. At least Giant Who Throws Sticks hadn't forgotten him!


	12. Moss Lickers

A drabble for neaira_awakened and the comment meme on swooping_is_bad.

May be NSFW, more for innuendo and implications than flat-out smut.

Prompt: OGHREN CATCHES LELIANA COLLECTING THE LEFT OVER BODY HAIR OF THE FEMALE WARDEN WHILE CLEANING UP CAMP. HILARITY ENSUES.

* * *

A special brew for a special evening, Oghren told himself as he pulled the stopper from his hip flask. Sure, he couldn't _watch_ without attracting attention, but these tents did little to block out sound...

"I'll be in my tent," he said to no one in particular. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Pretty Boy give him the most horrified look. "Would you rather I stay out here, Mr. 'I Think That's Private'?"

He didn't wait for a reply.

Later that evening, when the booze demanded he take a mighty piss, Oghren crawled back outside. He chuckled to himself as he heard the swishing of the Warden's robes. _I guess even humans are familiar with the Walk of Shame,_ he thought. He couldn't help but chuckle at that, and when he did he heard the Warden gasp and shuffle faster toward her tent.

Even he was surprised when he found that Leliana had left her tent flap open after the Warden's hurried exit. The singer was inside, wearing nothing but crude underthings, holding a lit candle in one hand and a glass flask in the other. Stealth and ale never mixed, so he simply stopped and tried to stand very, very still. Sure, he wobbled a bit, but for now she hadn't spotted him.

Just what was she _doing_ anyway?

It appeared like she was picking fleas off a nug, if the nug was her bedclothes. Had the fastigious bard managed to pick herself up a raging case of bedbugs? Another chortle escaped his lips at the thought.

Leliana jumped when she heard him. "Oghren! What are you-" She panicked more when she realized she had dropped her flask, and hurried to retrieve its strange contents.

"So, Sings-A-Lot, you looking to set your sheets on fire? Here I thought you already did that earlier."

"You... you were..." She looked at him in horror. "You were _listening_?"

"You and the Warden weren't exactly being discrete, you know."

"Don't you have some ale to go drink? Or maybe some moss to lick off a stone?"

Oghren guffawed. "Plenty of moss lickers 'round here already! Unless you're making me an offer?"

The bard made several indignant noises.

"So tell me, Leli. Just what _were_ you doing there?" He had a guess, but it was fun to watch her squirm.

"Some of us care about the states we leave our belongings in," she replied, that haughty accent of hers making her sound even more stuck up.

"Yeah, but most people don't go as far as to keep our shed hair in a bottle. You lookin' to make a wig or something?"

"Get OUT of here Oghren!" She stormed out of her tent, stomping toward him like a raging bronto. A starving bronto with spindly legs, but the picture still fit.

"Or maybe that wasn't _your_ hair, but the long, luscious, coal-black locks of Our Fearless Leader?"

"Don't think I won't hit you just because you're smaller than me!"

"Or do you only keep the hairs from around her deep shaft?"

Leliana threw up her hands in frustration. "You dwarves are so uncooth. No _wonder_ the Maker has forsaken you." She turned away and left him, stomping off in much the same way as she had arrived.

"Eh, he's a dull one at parties anyway."

If one could be said to slam the door of a tent, Leliana did so. Not nearly as impressive, but it was fun to see her get her buckskin panties in a wad.

He laughed all the way to the privy bushes.


End file.
